Satirical memorandum by the mayor of London to taking Parliament

MY PLAN FOR A GREAT ENGLISH (ahem) UNITED KINGDOM OLYMPIC OPENING CEREMONY IN 2012

 by Boris Johnson ... Mayor of Londivinum

 We must endevour to combine the opening ceremony with traditional Biritish patronisation and convivial xenophobia to upstage those Mandarins. Therefore I Submit:

• We get our street kids to graffitti the hundreds of national flags used for the ceremony with colloquial witty repartee
• We set fire to some cars and smash some bus-stops in an avant garde manner and make several reality Tv shows "the making of" the Olympics etc
• We make the athletes drink nothing but refreshing PG tips Tea
• We swop the hurdles for London Underground ticket barriers
• We substitute a kebab for the shot-putt and a pizza for the discus
• Anyone not complaining about the weather will be shot on site
• Media coverage must be conducted in 1930's cut glass accents only
• Stabbin, happy-slapping and shoplifting will be new events we can't fail to win
• Ken Livingstone will not be invited.
• Prices will rise Magically overnight and more importantly go down when it all ends.
• All swimming and diving events must be conducted in quality baked beans
• There will be no fireworks for health and safety's sake barring terrorist incidents
• There will be no cheap tickets for Londoners except the usual 50,000 hangers-on
• Normal people will be kept out of the Olympic Parks by community support officers
• Police will be busy preventing terror attacks from not occurring
• Westminster will be completely empty legs wide open gagging for it
• On the opening night the whole shebang will be blown up
• My crack squad of Turkish ninjas will take the parliament
• And I will RULE ENGLAND and be QUEEN!
• Hurrah!
• Ken will be first against the wall...
• Hurrah Hurrah!
• Lunchtime already?